Life is short.

I woke up
and
there was this weird feeling in my chest
and it was difficult to acquire oxygen
I believe this would be, hyperventilation.
My mind began running into itself.
8 weeks.
8 weeks..
8 weeks?!?!?!?
But- but- but- what? Only a second ago I had entered a land lifted far beyond Earth, called the Missionary Training Center, where the angels there greeted me, and I learned, heard and experienced marvelous things- and I testified with POWER with my roommates and district!! The wind blew back my hair and ruffled my skirt as we declared to groups of missionaries that Jesus IS the Christ- and then I was on an airplane, and then I stood before an army of the most powerful ambassadors who were in the field, overflowing with auras of dignity and strength and I thought 'wow- I am one of them!'

Then I ran and stumbled and watched as the Savior himself truly took life after life, day after day and made it a beautiful flower, and magnificent artwork for me- and people were baptized for ME to see his glory, and blessings and oppurtunities and joys I cannot even DESCRIBE entered into my life faster and faster, accelerating ever upward as every downward cycle of stress was wiped out with greater wonder- and then.. and then-

I blinked a few times.
I...I am a greenie, I thought to myself- a new missionary, with a whole year and a half to go. This will be long. Wait-wait no it won't, because it is almost over, the semi-rational aspect of my mind said. The mission is about to end. I.. I was a missionary? I wondered- yes, yes I am a missionary..this is my final shot, my last sweeping streaks! I have been a missionary- and I did what? How did I do all that?!? How did I even SURVIVE that!?!? I mean- I couldn't get up by myself, I never remember anything, I'm easily distracted, I am not coordinated enough to figure out maps, names, people, nor organized enough, with tons of obsessions and limitations and too often I felt and feel never ever good enough- how did I make it this far?!?!? What- WOW- WHOAH! How? How did I do it? How am I even doing this!?!?

Oh.. Oh yes..
I didn't do anything. Jesus Christ did it all for me.. he paved it for me, he planted it all ahead of me, and I gave my 2 cents, which was all I had, which is all I have- and he blasted me with a gazillion million billion stars, which even one constellation, I must say, is far too expensive for any amount of money this Earth can produce, to pay for. That's how much he loves me. That's how much he loves me!??! WHY!?!? Why? How? That My Father in Heaven sent MY perfect, beautiful and pure Savior and older brother, to SUFFER for ME, to make ME happy, so that when I pushed, he opened FIVE doors instead of one, and when I tried and failed, it ALWAYS turned into success!

I came on a mission. And I learned love, to really, TRULY love, and be loved. What is better? WHAT IS BETTER?!?! THERE IS NOTHING BETTER!!! NOTHING!!! THERE IS NOTHING that can outweigh the power and all consuming joy of the love of God, of seeing it in the lives of his children, of each other!! Of feeling it and knowing it for myself. Nothing. NOTHING!!!!!

Dang. I guess I'm not a greenie anymore.

Luke Skywalker and Frodo

Frodo stood at the top of the cliff. The ring was in his hand. He had come SO far, past the point of exhaustion.. it was all now.. ALL here..

After facing ongoing action and tradgedy, Luke stood before Darth Vader..

Both experienced every hit, climbed every rock...Show down time. Destroy Darth Vader. Chuck the ring.

But Frodo holds the ring.. and Luke hesitates to destroy Darth Vader. Can it be, that even when we've accomplished so much- when we are on the verge of a finale in our lives, a grand decision- and we've done EVERYTHING we need to do to get there- that the TEST is still on? At the last minute?
Yep.

A misconception I developed was that the end of the mission would get easier. This is false. I feel greater peace, but the fight doesn't stop here. It only intensifies. And so what happens when we crack- when Frodo decides to take the ring for himself, when Luke truly contemplates joining the dark side?

You FALL to your knees in prayer, as I do more and more often, and pray your soul out!!!  If you are in such awful pressure and agony that you have to cry, beg, or shriek in your silent places to Heavenly Father, do it. Because IN the despair that is allotted to you, through whatever form it may come, however crushing it may be- the Savior WILL heal you enough to bear it. You have to ask. Job hit LOW.. and recovered. The Savior hit the LOWEST.. and DEFINITELY recovered. Father in Heaven will tell you what to do, who to talk to, where to find his consoling words in the scriptures when you turn to him- and IN your weakness, your power will return to you sufficient for survival.

Frodo and Luke had one other thing going for them. The commission to destroy the ring and the Force- or in other words, their temple covenants : ) My covenants are key to having the strength to lift others when I can no longer lift myself. It is the key to never quitting.

So Golom attacks weary Frodo.
And Evil Sith electrifies writhing Luke.
but then..
The ring is cast into the lava..
Darth Vader destroys Sith and his heart changes.
You know the end.. and the joy they both get, is greater than they could have hoped for.

How did this happen, metaphorically? Because Luke and Frodo KEPT their temple covenants. It rescued hundreds. Baptized. Brought to the temple. Loved. Because of enduring to the end, even in the end. No matter how beaten down, how long, how dark it gets...when we keep our covenants we have access to the power of the Lord Jesus Christ. I know this. I know it with my whole heart and I see it every day. Every. single. hour.

"For the Eternal purposes of the Lord shall roll on, until all his promises shall be fulfilled." Mormon 8:22

You want this.

The fulness of the earth, the beasts of the field, the fowls of the air,
the herb, the good things- for food, raiment, housing, barns, orchards, gardens, vineyards!
strengthening your body.. enlivening your soul..
Finding pleasure and exacting your labors, loosing the bands of wickedness- heavy burdens undone!
Oppressed going free, yokes broken
Your light breaking forth like morning, your health speedily springing forth..

calling secretly into the silent air, the name of Heavenly Father
and then
being answered by Him.

Your waste places built up, foundations of generations to come built because of YOU, repairing and restoring, riding upon the highest places of Earth, fed with the heritage of Jacob himself..

All this, spoken by the mouth of the Lord, PROMISED.. if we take Fast Sunday seriously. The one day of the month to bring in the bacon with faith. The BEST day of the month. I have seen it. I love it. I am spoiled beyond reason with the rich and unending rewards and fulfilment, of these very blessings.

Fast with a purpose, write those purposes down, pray for your answers- and love it. Love that God loves to spoil you and those you love, for your love towards him. Love it because you love God, and thereby love his children. See that you can be made for and through Jesus Christ, far more than you ever, ever hoped you could make yourself out to be. It is worth every fast offering and fasting, every prayer, and every ounce of faith you've got.  : )

How I feel about my mission

*Who could have supposed that my God.. would have been so merciful as to have snatched me out from my awful, sinful polluted state? ..Why did he not consign me to an awful destruction? Why did he not let the sword of his justice fall upon me, and doom me to Eternal despair? Oh, my soul as it were, fleeth at the thought.. Behold, he did not exercise his justice upon me, but in his great mercy has brought me over that everlasting gulf of death and misery, even to the salvation of my soul..

Yea, he that repenteth and exerciseth faith, and bringeth forth good works, and prayeth continually without ceasing- unto such it is given to know the MYSTERIES of GOD! yea, unto such it shall be given to reveal things which never have been revealed; yea, and it shall be given unto such to bring many souls unto repentance, even as it has been given to me..

I came into the California Santa Rosa Mission, not with the intent to destroy my brethren, but with the intent that perhaps I could be the means of saving some soul.. And when my heart was depressed, and when I've been about to turn back, behold the Lord God has comforted me, saying: Go amongst thy brethren.. bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success...

They were encircled about with everlasting darkness and destruction; but behold, he has brought them into his everlasting light! Yea, into everlasting salvation; and they are encircled about with the matchless bounty of his love; yea, and I have been an instrument in his hands of doing this great and marvelous work! Behold, I cannot say the smallest part which I feel!

And behold, I say unto you, have I ever seen so great love in all the land?! Behold, I say unto you, nay! Now have I not great reason to rejoice? Yea, and my joy is carried away, even unto the boasting of my God, for he has all power, all wisdom, and all understanding; he comprehendeth all things, and he is a merciful Being, even unto salvation, to those who will repent and believe on his name. Now if this is boasting - even so will I boast! For this is MY LIFE, and my LIGHT, and my JOY, and my salvation, and my redemption from everlasting wo...This is my joy, and my great thanksgiving; and I will give thanks unto my God forever..

..And they shall be gathered into the garners, the temple, that they are not wasted.. Behold, they are in the hands of the Lord of the harvest, and they are his; and he will raise them up at the last day*

-Alma 26, more or less : )

Are you ready for this?!?

Did it turn out like you planned- this ride you are on? Or no? Did you plan for every crevice and creek and edge and prepare sufficiently? OH! You did? Wait- if I am hearing correctly- What!?!? You mean there were still curveballs you had not even anticipated? Your new experiences brought understanding for repeat and similar cycles, you say..Why of course! Did you know that this would change your life in the way it did? Could you have ever even imagined?

I don't think you could. You could not have imagined, had you not experienced this...

So tell me, what happened when you didn't prepare, when you didn't seek.....

what.

It crumpled you!?!

You forgot how to use it to empower you...You forgot that it would end and you did what?!?!? How could you forget how temporary that part would be, no matter how many times, in how many ways, it hits! So direly, direly temporary.. But it kept beating you down? Perhaps this is but an extended lesson plan to better empower you..to empower you to impact lives without number and escalate the joy you are near to receive- unless you let it beat you down.

Don't tell me that. Think clearer now, you CAN escape- why, don't you know that you can escape everyday through Jesus Christ, to your Creator- to the Almighty God of Heaven and Earth, of galaxies without number. He knows you very, very, VERY, very well (VERY!!!!). You just need to do everything within your capacity to exercise faith in his power.. you WILL see the beauty of this life unfold for you. I do every day.

That's how you got here, where you are. That's how you ended up with more than you thought you bargained for, and yet WAY more than you hoped for also. Always remember that.

A shoe and best friends.

 You may all be wondering- why missionary, do you put up a picture of you pointing at a shoe, in shock?

Well, let me tell you.
This shoe..
Oh man.
This shoe.

Lets took a look quick, at why best friends are one of the most expensive gifts we've got going for us. A best friend falls into the qualification of 'best' because they see your potential and your beautiful nature. They are those who find glee, in you! Best friends are aware of your quirks, your ill behaviors and your imperfections- and yet, somehow, are consumed in neverending adoration of you! When conflict arises, the goal is always to return to peace, to unity- greater forgiveness, and love. Their desire is to make you happy, and help you with tiny matters in life that seem insignificant to all else, and maybe even to yourself. They rejoice when you rejoice, and they hurt for you when you hurt.

Therefore.. wanting to be like, and be with the Savior Jesus Christ- is EXTRAORDINARY!!! This Lord of Lord, and King of Kings is here to open every locked doorway, to add a blossomed rose to every stem, and to rescue YOU, every day. "I am the good shepherd, and know my sheep, and am known of mine. As the Father knoweth me, even so know I the Father: and I lay down my life for the sheep." St John 10:14-15 He is PERFECT because he is the best. When you cry- he is in absolute agony. When you rejoice, he is far happier than you can know happiness. When you are worried over a trivial matter- he is anxious, and he is planning ahead, plotting out every possible path to make it better, and helping you grow through your difficulties in the meantime. He, the perfect friend, exceeds all definitions of greatness. He is a testimony of Heavenly Father's love for you.

I know he loves me well. If I am devestated because someone I taught, died on me.. even if that someone is totally ok, thoroughly living it up on the other side.. he is aching to hold me. If I am grateful because I got to eat Indian food, he is eccentrically delighted for me. He is anticipating to bless me with other little trinkets and personal joys that only he knows will bring me excitement. My off key notes sung, are wonderful music to his ears, for my heart beats for him, and he craves it. My slow running pace means more to him than any degree of lightning speed. He knows me intimately, personally and that's how well he knows you. It is through him that you will conquer and succeed! He will provide your sweetest friends, your dearest relationships, your deepest joys.

When we don't come crawling to this ever loving God- we can't have this. We won't be as happy as we were meant to be, and become.

Allow me to tie this in to shoes. Yesterday, I lost my shoe. I was like 'what.' I had to exercise in the morning on bare feet. No. I did not like it. I can lose food, I've been ok losing my ID and keys and blankets- but NOT A SHOE!!!!  I workout on shoes. I need the shoe.

Anyhow, Heavenly Father understood this. I looked EVERYWHERE!!! BAHH!!! My companion and I searched my bedsheets, our whole room, up and down!! I prayed in every prayer, all day, to find this shoe. I could feel the Savior laughing lovingly at me- he knew that I KNEW by now, that my shoe would be found. (Heavenly Father and I have a relationship with losing things and finding them that goes fairly.. eh.. daily.) (However he LOVES it- because it lets him show me how mighty he is in every issue, and it gives him oppurtunity to show me how much he loves me, on top of everything else he already does for me all the time)

So by the end of the day, I THREW my bedsheets off (which I had ALREADY done that morning) and all of the sudden-  my shoe popped into the air- and fell onto the floor.

My companion and I stood gawking at it.

These incidences have happened far more than once.. eh, weekly at least. So I took this picture, and wrote this blog, and tell you today.. keep the commandments. Get answers to your prayers. Keep your covenants, and become best friends with the Savior, and Heavenly Father NOW- if you want to live with them later. Learn why you want to live with them HERE.

I testify that Jesus IS the Christ. He will hear your every yearning. He will run to you and your Heavenly Father will burst with joy for and over you. Always, and forever.

His power will never fail

We enter life. We pursue things. We fall. We get back up. We fall. Does it matter then, that there IS one who cannot fail, this Jesus, this Savior of the world? Who overcame EVERYTHING (everything.), and cannot ever let anyone down? Ever? At all!?!?! OF COURSE IT DOES!! If he can do it, WE CAN, and because he did it-  it allows for us to have that chance as well. He gave his all- opening the door for us to give our all, and yet, to fall again and again, until we finally get it- and then grow even more, cycling ever upward in this life of spiritual, mental, physical and emotional interval training. We learn by scripture study of others' experience and day to day observations, or through our own suffering by our own experience, the route necessary to have happiness. One of the most instrumental factors to this comes down to not only allowing the Savior to enhance our personal abilities, our ambitions, and relieve us of our downfalls- but to enhance our very character, our very thoughts, and our very soul. It is in enhancing that part of us, that we can more wonderfully experience joy.

It may surprise you to know (actually, in my case, it probably won't surprise you that much ;) that we missionaries are quite human. Sometimes we don't want to do or be, sometimes we don't feel good enough- we are subject to the same temptations and stresses of life that every mortal that comes here, is subject to. So how do we stay so strong? How can we press forward with unflinching dedication? Because of the Savior. His power CANNOT fail, he cannot let us down when we ask Heavenly Father, THROUGH HIM, for what he WANTS to empower us with. He can't deny us progress. It is impossible. He came here for us to progress. His purpose is for us to progress. You. Me. Everybody.

When I tell God my bitter thoughts or wearinesses and plea for relief, I never, never feel cynicism, scoffing, constraint or compulsive need for control or condemnation, or derision. Never, not even in the hours of my life where such behavior deserved such correction.

I feel love. Pure, unconditional love, and peace, understanding and empathy. I remember the desires I have from the Lord from my mission- to learn to rely on him first, and I see that in many moments he is the only one to turn to. He tells me and begs me just to stay and press on. He emphasizes the promised blessings if I just but continue forward. He calms rage or discouragement with gentle care, soothes irritation with understanding, satiates loneliness with warmth and fills senses of worthlessness with a recognition of my identity and divinity; he washes my hopelessness with windows to a gleaming future I could not have even imagined, and lifts my sorrows by teaching me that everything I even experience now is preparatory to the next suffering man or woman I meet on the street. He subdues panic with peace, and slows rebellious emotion with open arms. Consequently- I become stronger, my inner being is stricken to greater life, greater perspective, greater utter and total bliss. My external actions follow.

I know he will do the same for YOU. I know it with every fiber of my being and that is why I am here. But we have to ask. We have to seek to know him.

God cares, and knowing he cares changes everything. Because we can fall, we WILL fall- but he never will. And because he never will, he will never leave us. This is the most precious, most grand reality that can be and I yearn with my soul, heart and mind for the world to have it. Learn of the Savior. Love him. For how dearly, how intimately, how deeply does he love you. He aches to bless you. Find out for yourself.