I woke up
and
there was this weird feeling in my chest
and it was difficult to acquire oxygen
I believe this would be, hyperventilation.
My mind began running into itself.
8 weeks.
8 weeks..
8 weeks?!?!?!?
But- but- but- what? Only a second ago I had entered a land lifted far beyond Earth, called the Missionary Training Center, where the angels there greeted me, and I learned, heard and experienced marvelous things- and I testified with POWER with my roommates and district!! The wind blew back my hair and ruffled my skirt as we declared to groups of missionaries that Jesus IS the Christ- and then I was on an airplane, and then I stood before an army of the most powerful ambassadors who were in the field, overflowing with auras of dignity and strength and I thought 'wow- I am one of them!'
Then I ran and stumbled and watched as the Savior himself truly took life after life, day after day and made it a beautiful flower, and magnificent artwork for me- and people were baptized for ME to see his glory, and blessings and oppurtunities and joys I cannot even DESCRIBE entered into my life faster and faster, accelerating ever upward as every downward cycle of stress was wiped out with greater wonder- and then.. and then-
I blinked a few times.
I...I am a greenie, I thought to myself- a new missionary, with a whole year and a half to go. This will be long. Wait-wait no it won't, because it is almost over, the semi-rational aspect of my mind said. The mission is about to end. I.. I was a missionary? I wondered- yes, yes I am a missionary..this is my final shot, my last sweeping streaks! I have been a missionary- and I did what? How did I do all that?!? How did I even SURVIVE that!?!? I mean- I couldn't get up by myself, I never remember anything, I'm easily distracted, I am not coordinated enough to figure out maps, names, people, nor organized enough, with tons of obsessions and limitations and too often I felt and feel never ever good enough- how did I make it this far?!?!? What- WOW- WHOAH! How? How did I do it? How am I even doing this!?!?
Oh.. Oh yes..
I didn't do anything. Jesus Christ did it all for me.. he paved it for me, he planted it all ahead of me, and I gave my 2 cents, which was all I had, which is all I have- and he blasted me with a gazillion million billion stars, which even one constellation, I must say, is far too expensive for any amount of money this Earth can produce, to pay for. That's how much he loves me. That's how much he loves me!??! WHY!?!? Why? How? That My Father in Heaven sent MY perfect, beautiful and pure Savior and older brother, to SUFFER for ME, to make ME happy, so that when I pushed, he opened FIVE doors instead of one, and when I tried and failed, it ALWAYS turned into success!
I came on a mission. And I learned love, to really, TRULY love, and be loved. What is better? WHAT IS BETTER?!?! THERE IS NOTHING BETTER!!! NOTHING!!! THERE IS NOTHING that can outweigh the power and all consuming joy of the love of God, of seeing it in the lives of his children, of each other!! Of feeling it and knowing it for myself. Nothing. NOTHING!!!!!
Dang. I guess I'm not a greenie anymore.
