His blood on my hands.

There was a day, a long time ago....I was 19..

..and I fell asleep in an attic, and woke up within a dream. I stood in the most brilliant white light, with pure and shimmering walls, detail oriented floors and intricate sculptings all around me.. in the temple of My Father.. in the House of my Savior.. and there was a man in white, standing before me. He told me Jesus Christ would be here in a moment.. to speak with me.

Hardly in life have I captured such a feeling..
My breath caught up in my chest.. my anticipation overwhelmed any acknowledgement of all else..
But..
There was a guy next to me, who did not have the covenants I did, who stood in jeans within this temple. Who stood ignorant of who or where he was. The man in white watched me for a few seconds.
I said nothing.
The man's eyes saddened as he said, "The time has passed." The Savior would not be coming. I had not fulfilled my purpose. The guy in jeans ran out of the temple. I had missed my chance. I had EVERYTHING in place for me, I had him standing by me, curious as to what was happening- MORE than ready to hear the gospel.. and I denied him the oppurtunity to partake in the knowledge of the restored gospel, when all I had to do was open my mouth.

That dream haunted me for years.

I refuse to let that happen on my mission. In fact, that dream in itself, as I have prayed and studied and tried to understand it, was a call long beforehand to this very mission.. at this VERY time. And if so far ahead God so urgently planned for me to be here.. then he CERTAINLY planned ahead, prior to my mortal existence, for me to serve him as a missionary.. For in the first place, we were ALL on the same standing in the premortal life (Alma 13).

God HAS a purpose for us..with specific directions, and specific blessings..  That glorious Plan of Salvation goes intricately and PERSONALLY into the threads of our souls, saturating every microfiber until there can be no doubt that God's plan IS the happiest plan.. He will teach us, he will show us the way, he will invite us to trust Him and take care of us as his own children, all our lives.. but the POWER that allows him to do so, is OUR covenant keeping. Our reaching out to Him.

Only then can the windows of Heaven burst open. Only then can light, life and treasures of great knowledge instil upon every inch of us.

In my dream, that man had the perfect set up- he was ready, he was able, he was willing. He could have had what I HAVE!  And in it, I chose to turn down MY blessings, by turning down his chance to be blessed.
Yes there are times where fear, awkwardness, approaching people can be difficult- but WHEN someone is ready, when they WANT to know- and are RIGHT THERE, to THEN deny them those spiritual nutrients.. THAT is wherein the blood stains ME. That is where I deny my Savior by denying their Savior, through silence.

I will never let that dream take place in reality.  Never. Not on my mission. Not in this life. Not in the next life. Never. And because of that real and true Atonement of Jesus Christ, the time has NOT passed.. in fact, the time has been well spent.. and it is because of my covenants, that I can say so, and make it so, the rest of my mission, the rest of my life.

Love Lockdown.

*lights* *camera* *beats*
Action.


♫We've been teaching you, like we've been wanting to
You have felt the truth- you felt it burning in you
Now the chains need to break loose
A choice only you can do
You choose
You choose

So beat Satan out of town- and covenant with your Father
Get ready, get worthy, read the doctrines and drink the living water
Through Christ He can change your life
You'll have power over strife
you choose, you choose

Now the road is hard, and the rocks ain't dumb
but you've got the strength and the armor to bust out and overcome,
oh you've gotta move- you must act on that fire in you
you choose, you choose

Put your natural man down, and your agency up
Put your natural man down, and your agency up
It might be a little rough, but it's worth it when it's tough-
freedom is worth more than enough,
you choose, you choose. ♫
****

How many people will be with Father in Heaven again?
Revelations 7:9 = you can't even count.
And how will we get there?
Revelations 7:14 = ONLY through Christ
So how do we do that? Where do we start?
Ephesians 4:5,  3 Nephi 11= HIS truth, and ordinances.. and our choices.

Father's secrets

So
If you want more from Heaven
More reality on the Eternities, on every wonder, more light on your life..
More answers
I'm talking deeper revelation than you can handle, the closest most personal relationship with YOUR creator, so close that it blows your mind- a relationship that you can ONLY handle, if you really want it..
You've got to show Heavenly Father you can keep a secret- between you and Him

Because Father in Heaven HAS given us a LOT to eat up now.. and yet there is more. There is ALWAYS more. The Prophet of God on this Earth, Thomas S Monson, and the Prophets throughout all time- have been excellent at this. Pretty darn good secret keepers.
AND
The Lord is no respector of persons.
Anybody can be pretty darn good at it.. if we desire to be. If we work to be. *And Moses said unto him, Enviest thou for my sake? would God that ALL the Lord's people were prophets, and the Lord WOULD put his Spirit upon them!*

*It is given unto many to know the mysteries of God; nevertheless they are laid under a STRICT command that they shall not impart only according to the portion of his word which he doth grant unto the children of men, ACCORDING to the heed and diligence which they give unto him*

Am I telling you that the scriptures, that a modern day prophet and apostles, that the Holy Spirit via church meetings, the temple, your faith in righteous commandment keeping, and through your prayers- that you WILL be taught HOW to get more answers from God? About your life? About His life? About anything?

Yes. Yes I am. Why would Heavenly Father put it all there? Because he wants us to know. Because revelation is here. Because His gospel, His church, His priesthood- it is here. Right here. Right now. Because he is ready to give it all to us as fast as we are ready to receive it.. and through his commandments, he has taught us how to begin to receive it. And because of the Savior Jesus Christ, we CAN receive it. ALL OF IT!!!! Piece by piece..step by step.. more and more..

*Neither is man capable to make them known, for they are only to be seen and understood by the power of the Holy Spirit, which God bestows on those who love him, and purify themselves before him.. To whom he grants this privilige of seeing and knowing for themselves.*


references: Numbers 11:29, Alma 12:9, D&C 76:116-117

Life is short.

I woke up
and
there was this weird feeling in my chest
and it was difficult to acquire oxygen
I believe this would be, hyperventilation.
My mind began running into itself.
8 weeks.
8 weeks..
8 weeks?!?!?!?
But- but- but- what? Only a second ago I had entered a land lifted far beyond Earth, called the Missionary Training Center, where the angels there greeted me, and I learned, heard and experienced marvelous things- and I testified with POWER with my roommates and district!! The wind blew back my hair and ruffled my skirt as we declared to groups of missionaries that Jesus IS the Christ- and then I was on an airplane, and then I stood before an army of the most powerful ambassadors who were in the field, overflowing with auras of dignity and strength and I thought 'wow- I am one of them!'

Then I ran and stumbled and watched as the Savior himself truly took life after life, day after day and made it a beautiful flower, and magnificent artwork for me- and people were baptized for ME to see his glory, and blessings and oppurtunities and joys I cannot even DESCRIBE entered into my life faster and faster, accelerating ever upward as every downward cycle of stress was wiped out with greater wonder- and then.. and then-

I blinked a few times.
I...I am a greenie, I thought to myself- a new missionary, with a whole year and a half to go. This will be long. Wait-wait no it won't, because it is almost over, the semi-rational aspect of my mind said. The mission is about to end. I.. I was a missionary? I wondered- yes, yes I am a missionary..this is my final shot, my last sweeping streaks! I have been a missionary- and I did what? How did I do all that?!? How did I even SURVIVE that!?!? I mean- I couldn't get up by myself, I never remember anything, I'm easily distracted, I am not coordinated enough to figure out maps, names, people, nor organized enough, with tons of obsessions and limitations and too often I felt and feel never ever good enough- how did I make it this far?!?!? What- WOW- WHOAH! How? How did I do it? How am I even doing this!?!?

Oh.. Oh yes..
I didn't do anything. Jesus Christ did it all for me.. he paved it for me, he planted it all ahead of me, and I gave my 2 cents, which was all I had, which is all I have- and he blasted me with a gazillion million billion stars, which even one constellation, I must say, is far too expensive for any amount of money this Earth can produce, to pay for. That's how much he loves me. That's how much he loves me!??! WHY!?!? Why? How? That My Father in Heaven sent MY perfect, beautiful and pure Savior and older brother, to SUFFER for ME, to make ME happy, so that when I pushed, he opened FIVE doors instead of one, and when I tried and failed, it ALWAYS turned into success!

I came on a mission. And I learned love, to really, TRULY love, and be loved. What is better? WHAT IS BETTER?!?! THERE IS NOTHING BETTER!!! NOTHING!!! THERE IS NOTHING that can outweigh the power and all consuming joy of the love of God, of seeing it in the lives of his children, of each other!! Of feeling it and knowing it for myself. Nothing. NOTHING!!!!!

Dang. I guess I'm not a greenie anymore.

Luke Skywalker and Frodo

Frodo stood at the top of the cliff. The ring was in his hand. He had come SO far, past the point of exhaustion.. it was all now.. ALL here..

After facing ongoing action and tradgedy, Luke stood before Darth Vader..

Both experienced every hit, climbed every rock...Show down time. Destroy Darth Vader. Chuck the ring.

But Frodo holds the ring.. and Luke hesitates to destroy Darth Vader. Can it be, that even when we've accomplished so much- when we are on the verge of a finale in our lives, a grand decision- and we've done EVERYTHING we need to do to get there- that the TEST is still on? At the last minute?
Yep.

A misconception I developed was that the end of the mission would get easier. This is false. I feel greater peace, but the fight doesn't stop here. It only intensifies. And so what happens when we crack- when Frodo decides to take the ring for himself, when Luke truly contemplates joining the dark side?

You FALL to your knees in prayer, as I do more and more often, and pray your soul out!!!  If you are in such awful pressure and agony that you have to cry, beg, or shriek in your silent places to Heavenly Father, do it. Because IN the despair that is allotted to you, through whatever form it may come, however crushing it may be- the Savior WILL heal you enough to bear it. You have to ask. Job hit LOW.. and recovered. The Savior hit the LOWEST.. and DEFINITELY recovered. Father in Heaven will tell you what to do, who to talk to, where to find his consoling words in the scriptures when you turn to him- and IN your weakness, your power will return to you sufficient for survival.

Frodo and Luke had one other thing going for them. The commission to destroy the ring and the Force- or in other words, their temple covenants : ) My covenants are key to having the strength to lift others when I can no longer lift myself. It is the key to never quitting.

So Golom attacks weary Frodo.
And Evil Sith electrifies writhing Luke.
but then..
The ring is cast into the lava..
Darth Vader destroys Sith and his heart changes.
You know the end.. and the joy they both get, is greater than they could have hoped for.

How did this happen, metaphorically? Because Luke and Frodo KEPT their temple covenants. It rescued hundreds. Baptized. Brought to the temple. Loved. Because of enduring to the end, even in the end. No matter how beaten down, how long, how dark it gets...when we keep our covenants we have access to the power of the Lord Jesus Christ. I know this. I know it with my whole heart and I see it every day. Every. single. hour.

"For the Eternal purposes of the Lord shall roll on, until all his promises shall be fulfilled." Mormon 8:22

You want this.

The fulness of the earth, the beasts of the field, the fowls of the air,
the herb, the good things- for food, raiment, housing, barns, orchards, gardens, vineyards!
strengthening your body.. enlivening your soul..
Finding pleasure and exacting your labors, loosing the bands of wickedness- heavy burdens undone!
Oppressed going free, yokes broken
Your light breaking forth like morning, your health speedily springing forth..

calling secretly into the silent air, the name of Heavenly Father
and then
being answered by Him.

Your waste places built up, foundations of generations to come built because of YOU, repairing and restoring, riding upon the highest places of Earth, fed with the heritage of Jacob himself..

All this, spoken by the mouth of the Lord, PROMISED.. if we take Fast Sunday seriously. The one day of the month to bring in the bacon with faith. The BEST day of the month. I have seen it. I love it. I am spoiled beyond reason with the rich and unending rewards and fulfilment, of these very blessings.

Fast with a purpose, write those purposes down, pray for your answers- and love it. Love that God loves to spoil you and those you love, for your love towards him. Love it because you love God, and thereby love his children. See that you can be made for and through Jesus Christ, far more than you ever, ever hoped you could make yourself out to be. It is worth every fast offering and fasting, every prayer, and every ounce of faith you've got.  : )

How I feel about my mission

*Who could have supposed that my God.. would have been so merciful as to have snatched me out from my awful, sinful polluted state? ..Why did he not consign me to an awful destruction? Why did he not let the sword of his justice fall upon me, and doom me to Eternal despair? Oh, my soul as it were, fleeth at the thought.. Behold, he did not exercise his justice upon me, but in his great mercy has brought me over that everlasting gulf of death and misery, even to the salvation of my soul..

Yea, he that repenteth and exerciseth faith, and bringeth forth good works, and prayeth continually without ceasing- unto such it is given to know the MYSTERIES of GOD! yea, unto such it shall be given to reveal things which never have been revealed; yea, and it shall be given unto such to bring many souls unto repentance, even as it has been given to me..

I came into the California Santa Rosa Mission, not with the intent to destroy my brethren, but with the intent that perhaps I could be the means of saving some soul.. And when my heart was depressed, and when I've been about to turn back, behold the Lord God has comforted me, saying: Go amongst thy brethren.. bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success...

They were encircled about with everlasting darkness and destruction; but behold, he has brought them into his everlasting light! Yea, into everlasting salvation; and they are encircled about with the matchless bounty of his love; yea, and I have been an instrument in his hands of doing this great and marvelous work! Behold, I cannot say the smallest part which I feel!

And behold, I say unto you, have I ever seen so great love in all the land?! Behold, I say unto you, nay! Now have I not great reason to rejoice? Yea, and my joy is carried away, even unto the boasting of my God, for he has all power, all wisdom, and all understanding; he comprehendeth all things, and he is a merciful Being, even unto salvation, to those who will repent and believe on his name. Now if this is boasting - even so will I boast! For this is MY LIFE, and my LIGHT, and my JOY, and my salvation, and my redemption from everlasting wo...This is my joy, and my great thanksgiving; and I will give thanks unto my God forever..

..And they shall be gathered into the garners, the temple, that they are not wasted.. Behold, they are in the hands of the Lord of the harvest, and they are his; and he will raise them up at the last day*

-Alma 26, more or less : )