What we want to feel.

I can't quite see the face
Or understand a real embrace
but I know
that I want, for all I've met- and every one to be born yet
to never come home alone

I could find that I've lived my days, or chosen well beyond these phases
when in great age a man that is mine can look into my eyes, and say he truly loves me, past the borders of death and through all pain..

Could such words be earned?
Deserved?
For I have seen the light that grows when two friends decide, not to head home without one another to serve..

Even still beyond that strange yearning to be a part of something to escape the burning,
is the greater unspoken hope of being free of every rope- of moving, and spinning, and
living without restraint, of waking and singing and giving without aching taint,
to run into bursting luminescence amidst the land of the blessed..

And there He'll be, the man of dreams,
the source of the love you hope to live to be feeling,
The King of Kings and Lord of Lords
The one your heart yearns most to hear him whispering,
"I love you, and have loved you beyond the borders of death.." and bear for you, that He bought you with a price paid. In His arms the emptiness will wash away, the wondering, the agony, the things I wish you didn't have to face. They'll fade. You WILL be at peace. The test will be over; you'll sob in His shoulder..The Savior who atoned, will hold you closer than you've EVER known...

If nothing you yearn for is yours here...it isn't far, it is still near. Hear it, even if you can't inhale it..Live it, and you are still on your way to it. I know He understands it is hard to feel faith, when haunted by the fear when life seems stuck out of place.

"For those few moments in the eternal spectrum called mortality the Savior yielded to the mortal plight; he submitted to the inhumanity of man; his body longed for sleep; he hungered; he felt the pains of sickness. He was in all respects subject to every mortal failing experienced by the human family. Not once did he raise the shield of godhood in order to soften the blows. Not once did he don the bulletproof vest of divinity. That he also had godly powers did not make his suffering any less excruciating, any less poignant, or any less real. To the contrary, it is for this very reason that his suffering was more, not less, than his mortal counterparts could experience. He took upon him infinite suffering, but chose to defend with only mortal faculties, with but one exception - his godhood was summoned to hold off unconsciousness and death that would otherwise overpower a mere mortal when he reached his threshold of pain. For the Savior, however, there would be no such relief. His divinity would be called upon, not to immunize him from pain, but to enlarge the receptacle that would hold it. He simply brought a larger cup to hold the bitter drink."

Elder Tad R. Callister, The Infinite Atonement, 119

Legit Desires with Legit Outcomes

Put the sword to my throat, when my eyes water to crave, hold a light to my heart, when my soul sinks asunder and inane.. Propel electricity through my veins, to surge energy all my days. Take the noose from my brain and spark the soul's adulating case to the living and the passed away.. Throw explosive waves in my way when I head for the falter, let patience longer than day tame with a halter.. Command the depths of my rebellions to cease, and scourge every stain in flame until it couldn't have been born to decease.

A Parody Of Concept

A dreamy chamber raced before his eyes, the melody guiding participants of silk and open waist jackets to sway beneath a once opulent atmosphere. The place was wrapped within the iridiscent animal skin of a gigantean bubble, translucent pearls as stars painting the synchronized motions. Diamond speckled chandeliers hung between the glistening cornices, where the sleek Asian wax, dripping like frozen tears, had formed stalactites. The silk wallpaper had faded and in some places worn threadbare, revealing feathered planks which stacked upon high barriers of glass. Gloves of mummified crispy hands, clasped about for brief instances before the bodies would but wander- expressively in gesture, yet with absence of facial coherence. They were led by outer drives, inner prevalence diminished. A grand door waited up the stairs, but a pair of crystal bronze eyes caught his attention, the only blinking eyes present.

Dipping in and out of the contortionistic seeming-to-be sleep walkers the boy held onto the conscious gaze of the other, shoving and ducking through to get a closer look. He was swiftly sidetracked by a stunning young woman, unblinking like the rest, who was embraced in one of the many puppet's arms. In slow daunting motion her face turned all the way to his. With a wicked grin she mouthed, “You’re trapped..” before sailing past and assimilating amongst the group as if moving dead once more.

A strange ghost of fear made his color fade as he was swept into comfortable arms and off into the crowd. The warm, soft peach skin and easy breathing alerted him that this person was alive. He bowed his head and avoided eye contact. “Excuse me...” A shiver ran through his fingers as a strangely familiar hand smoothly clasped his and the other closed lightly around his shoulder. “I need  to..”  He glanced up.

"You cannot delight in yourself while trying to destroy yourself.." his rescuer observed liltingly. It was the person across the room, with the blinking eyes- now his shield- the man with the Top Hat which stretched a foot in dusty black palor, yet rested neatly over his well trimmed eyebrows.

"Is that what they have done? Is that why they do not blink like you or I?" The boy asked warily, "and what of-" his words caught up in his throat. The bodies around them continued to spin, reach, cripple, writhe, jack and tense like figurines in a deceptively alluring music box.. only united on occasion, for their various motions to suddenly contradict and sway them back into isolated oddity..  Yet again, with her long dress sweeping the floor the gorgeous terror that had spoken to him glided over bodies of fallen movers. A calm, predatory smile dancing on her lips.

"Pay no heed.." The top hat man chided, "They perpetuate but fail to increase, they persist but refuse to exist; they mirror and idealize and accomodate yet they can only clone those before them for so long, before their predessor falls- having been driven by the drives given, never steering from their  own source.. following the pathways previously arranged, but empty of aspiration or self prescribed goal.."

"Why does she say I am trapped?" the boy asked the Top Hat man. "What does she want with me- why is she the only one that speaks??"

The Top Hat man began to glide the boy across the floor- weaving in and out of the surrounders, as he answered, "Behind those who never questioned are the few who, such as that damsel, having sprouted gateways beyond their imaginations- slaughtered the guardkeepers and swallowed the keys, and rather than walking through to pursue the outskirts of reality, distorted what little reality was gained, entrapping those who but never desired to see a gateway in the first place, into their dysfunctional and limited existence.. it doesn't matter if she thinks she can keep you here, or if it were a he. They can choose to blink, these people- each one of them if  they but desire- But child, you are still blinking.. How much easier for you now to breach reality's borders..Don't look back.. You can become impenatrable like myself while still facing every external thrashing that attempts to anchor you down- and watching it flail with pity, as you conquer and burst upward relentlessly; you can move as they do, and be, yet.." He leaned in, his hands tightening on the boy's shoulders, his passion intensifying the volume of but a whisper, "with... something more.. something ever growing that they cannot take from you, for it is yours and yours alone..you only have the power to destroy or evolve yourself no matter how you are rated, raided or wasted..stoke the power..Are you ready to leave here?" He began pacing the boy to the corner of the room, the boy's eyes widening as they moved fasted and faster toward the only partition of the place that was not in decor- a painful looking cement wall. 

"Are we going to walk through that?!?" The boy exclaimed- only in an instant they were sprinting straight at it. "How can I think right with such a risk of thinking wrong- how do I know I am not falling prey with YOU to the very theory you have about these people!??" The woman clenched her fists and snarled, no longer following.

"You are ready to experience things that have never happened to you before! You sought after me before I came to you..it was your choice.." The Top Hat Man chuckled, his eyes wide with an enthusiasm that urged the boy's trust to emerge, as he roared, "you will learn.. over and over.. at increasing rates- there is so much more- things which you have never known and someones you have never known, through years beyond numbers you could ever number- BECAUSE HERE IT COMES!!!!!!"

-"Top Hat Hotel"

Physical miracle

There was once a man
whose life fell apart
and he went running- to run as far as he could, with the intent to run to death
He passed the breaking point
and collapsed into exhaustion
then woke up, furious that he was still alive
So the next night
he went out to run again
Only this time, he began to feel the joy of it.. the adrenaline, the perspective, the health..
and he ran and ran
and the following evening ran again, just to run.. because he now wanted to live.


There was once another man
whose wife left him, who went bankrupt, whose car flipped over and put him in the hospital with serious injuries, who didn't know if he could ever enter the work force again, much less support himself, and on top of that worried over his struggling son day after day..
but he started walking
he began to walk 15 miles daily
his life was pure chaos..
yet he was happy.
And one day, walking, he ran into a pair of sister missionaries.. and when we came over and the landlady
screamed at us- he protected us. He changed our lives. His very existence was inexplicably profound, no doubt the work of the Lord whom he already loved so much.. he was divinely led to the gospel of Jesus Christ.. and we had the privilege of seeing him enter the waters of baptism.


Exercise works.

Promises of the Prophets fulfilled

 The other day at mission conference, all of the departing missionaries for December and January were asked to give their departing testimonies. I knew what I was ready to declare, and I declared it with fervor and fire in my eyes. I want to briefly recap. I want to tell you all that the promise of a prophet of God, was fulfilled, to ME. Those promises are stated clearly in the mission call. But first, I want to touch on the fulfilment of promises a little way back.. just before the birth of the Lord Jesus Christ.

As Mary and Joseph travail in Bethlehem- trials of all kinds increase their struggle to just but find a place to stay;- yet across the world, the believers of this Savior's birth also struggle, for their very lives. Prophets had told of the signs that would come- the signs that would signify and lead to the Savior's birth..specifically, at this time, night staying day..  but the sign wasn't coming in the timing the people expected, and those who doubted began to become angry.. They became so angry that they plotted to murder those who still believed. My whole mission.. even every day- is just that. Working, and pushing, and praying- and waiting for the fulfillment of the promises of Father to me each day- in a contact, in a lesson, in a baptismal commitment, in a couple choosing to be married or sealed, in an answer to a prayer, a restoration of health or optimism, in seeing others' lives come together, in hoping to be a tool to facilitate those wondrous miracles that are truly accomplished by God's hand alone, through this Savior... but there MUST be a struggle first. There is always a struggle- every doubt, and every test that can be placed in our way to prove us, to see if we still believe in the words of the Almighty God, beyond all visual signs showing us that there is no hope. As Nephi rushed off and prayed desperately to the Father, amidst this barron hopelessness and the potential of his people being killed, he heard these words... These still, sweet, precious words from the voice of the lamb, of the prince of peace, of the Savior of the world... so calming.. so endearing..

 "Lift up your head.." He said,  "and be of good cheer; for behold, the time is at hand, and on this night shall the sign be given, and on the morrow come I into the world, to show unto the world that I will fulfil all that which I have caused to be spoken by the mouth of my holy prophets." He is My Jesus.. my Savior..My Christ.

I KNOW- I know with every ounce of my being that the words of His prophets are REAL. That sign DID come- the wicked became frustrated, for the sun stayed out all night and REALITY sunk in- the real world, the ultimate world, the ultimate destiny- the whole purpose..  The gospel of Jesus Christ IS THE REAL WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now, let me tell you briefly, the fulfillment of my mission call to me.. I'm not done yet, oh no- I've got time! But I've passed that 18 month mark and in those 18 monthes for sure, every word, every promise WAS fulfilled through that sacred Atonement of Jesus Christ- through that Savior who was promised to come into the world, to SUFFER, and then redeem his people..to redeem me, and let me experience this privilige.. and be in it, and conquer it, and have it.. 

I was called to serve as a missionary for the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
I was assigned to labor in the California Santa Rosa Mission. I would serve for a period of 18 (.5) monthes.
I reported to the MTC June 16th, 2010 on Wednesday. 
I was recommended as one worthy to represent the Savior as a minister of the Restored gospel. I was an official representative of the church. As such, I was expected to live the highest standards of conduct and appearance by keeping the commandments, living mission rules, and following the counsel of my loving mission president. My purpose- my VERY purpose IN LIFE- is to INVITE everyone- EVERYONE to the Savior Jesus Christ, by having faith in him- repenting, being baptized, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost- enduring to the end- enduring beyond the end- and inviting them to receive and make EVERY ordinance and every covenant that God has in store for them!!!! That is my purpose hereon and now out, beyond this field!! To educate, inform, share, lift, strengthen, love, empathize and relate and serve and serve and serve- mourn with and be there for, that is why I'm here on this very Earth!!!!

I devoted my time and efforts and attention to serving the Lord, leaving all personal affairs behind, and when they came up I worked with Father In Heaven to resolve them. As I did these things- the Lord blessed me and I experienced GREAT JOY- GREAT BLESSINGS- GREATER HAPPINESS THAN I HAVE EVER KNOWN IN MY LIFE!!!!!!! I was placed in the first Presidency's confidence, that they knew, as God told me aforehand- that I would become an effective missionary. That I WOULD serve a successful mission, as Father in Heaven promised me the day I was set apart- that I HAVE served a successful mission, and that I am serving a successful mission!!!!!!

I have NEVER felt so good, so accomplished- so at peace. And I know it is because I have learned years worth of trinkets, or treasures- I have seen the inside and outsides of situations I could not ever have imagined and I have taken a step, and crumpled- only but a step towards that awful Gethsemane.. and then the Savior healed me.. and rescued me, and rescued the sons and daughters of God RIGHT before my eyes as I but testified. There is nothing greater than this. There is nothing I could possibly want more than that Eternal life to be with my Father in Heaven and Savior- and that has become my greatest desire.. just to get back home with him.. and to invite all willing to come back home too. I would that all of us come back home. That's why I came out here, and that's why I'm here.
 2 Nephi 33:12 "And I pray the Father in the name of Christ that many of us, if not all, may be saved in his kingdom at that great and last day."

MTC, week one.

"The shining babies (elders) welcomed with joyful beams, which dramatically became the beams of angels (sisters) as well. Blazing sunlight illuminated the faces, as I descent into the other world.. the Planet MTC, which hovers just below Heaven itself, and gazes down upon Earth. The threshold was passed as I became a part of this magnificent symphony of a land, a place of incomprehensible love which no typical mortal man could have any capacity of expressing. They all said 'Hi Sister' so sweetly, nearly every one of them..

And then it happened.

The glorious badge, the token and jewel and diamond in the rough, the symbol of the authority I WAS GIVEN- to invite God's children to be baptized. As it was placed upon me, powerful rays burst out! I grabbed my badge, squinting as the light threatened to burn my eyes, struggling for oxygen amidst its brightness- wondering if my mortal frame and soul were too weak to bear this great calling as an ambassador of the Lord. The angels and babies watched with careful concern, and spiritually held my hand as I thrashed against the brilliant blaze. Alas, I was not the only one thrashing- for three sisters I roomed with, also preparing for Santa Rosa, squirmed a bit also, against the weight of this call setting in. "Shall we live, oh we might die!" we announced.. but the angels and babies who had been here for some time, kept saying "Sunday" Sunday the light would not burn us, for we shall be it, we shall represent it, we shall love it.

Sunday came.. and the babies and angels could be discerned. We awoke, fire bursting from our eyes, and we smiled, and we declared that we loved this sacred planet- the Missionary Training Center, for the greatest stripling warriors had come and came here to prepare.. Incredible desire for this task overcame my intense shock, and resistance. I yearned to love the way those around me did, with the Eternal hope of having the endearing, longsuffering love that the creator of galaxies, of individuals, so intimately has for us!

I could just build a tent and stay here, I don't ever have to leave...

..though I must take these experiences and learning, and bring them to Santa Rosa, California.. where the REAL test begins, where my faith and desire, will determine success.. and success is providing Heavenly Father's story, inviting others to Christ; it is fulfilling every measure and whit of my purpose to being an instrument in opening the gateway to FULL access to the Atonement of Christ, to the Celestial Kingdom.. through repentance, baptism, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end. It all begins here.. here and now.. the springboard into the Eternities of others, and mine as well."

Trunky for the Temple

I hope my mission reaches into the Eternities- I firmly believe it will.
I know every experience had and that I still have, holds treasure chests of knowledge that will be applied to every life circumstance and situation that can face me..
but I know that when chaos hits in life,
My first thoughts aren't, and typically won't be 'oh, this is just a test. I'm ok!" My first reactions may range from shock, to anger, to fear or isolation, paranoia, discouragement, distress- to asking God what I did wrong, to all forms of defeat.
And that is why home is here on Earth.
Home in a finite castle-like masterpiece, in many! Therein power and Holiness from on High reach within and shelter the attendants with peace, with collection... with the true reminder, of the truest realities, amidst a turbulent world.

It is the Mountain of the Lord, the Garners, the House of God- this is the temple. This is the why for baptism- that opening covenant is SO important to make with Heavenly Father for it is the gateway leading into MORE- to the temple, to GREATER covenants, greater protection and love. And in time I will have the exceedingly glorious privilige of living within sight of it, within sight of home.. I will race there as much as my beating heart desires!!!! Even now though, I have the exceedingly glorious privilige to invite my brothers and sisters on this Earth to have what I'm about to have on a constant basis- to achieve access to these temples, to these Houses of the Most High!!!

I yearn for the temple- I crave it; I can put off my desires for all else BUT the temple. Nowhere on Earth have such grand feelings been captured for me, but there. Nowhere has my worth and divinity been shown to me, like there. And what an instrument in God's hands we each are in that Holy place! I am starving, famished, prepped to feast for the temple. Truly, I desire more passionately than the first day I arrived in the mission field, to get everybody into the temple, I will ALWAYS desire that- And I still get to see the Savior's hand performing miracles, leading people we teach there...but MAN will I be SO stoked when I live RIGHT NEXT TO IT!!!!!!!!!! 

This IS joy. The temple is better than the best gets. It all comes down to the temple.. renewal, strengthening, empowering, promising, all encompassing, blessing, consoling, and rewarding.. My greatest dreams, and epiphanies, feelings of wholesomeness even while I am NOT at all whole.. springs from the temple... Where Father in Heaven and Our sweet precious Savior are most closely located to us.

*Therefore they are before the throne of God, and serve him day and night in His temple; and he that sitteth on the throne shall dwell among them.. For the lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters; and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes..*` Revelations 7:15/17

*Also the sons of the stranger, that join themselves to the Lord, to serve him, and to love the name of the Lord, to be his servants, every one that keepeth the sabbath from polluting it, and taketh hold of my covenant; Even them will I bring to my holy mountain, and make them joyful in my house of prayer: their burnt offerings and their sacrifices shall be accepted upon mine altar; for mine house shall be called an house of prayer for all people* Isaiah 56:6-7